Don't let the awesomeness blind you .

® ¥ å n .

{/HI CLAR. --

13.8.10 ( 11:49 PM )

Enter Nostalgia.

HI CLAR.

i haven't updated since a few weeks ago. There's so much shit to talk about and to worry about.

EOYS are coming, and my lit test is shitty like really screwed up. My ARC was surprisingly not as good as i thought it would be ( i secretly thought it would tie with Charlene's group :p) i think SOME group members shld prepared more la. They couldn't pronounce some words and were reading off the script and all that crap.

Here's a true story that Ng S00 NeE told o3:

G4 girls talking.

NSN: Excuse me, please stop talking.

yaddahyaddahyaddah

NSN: Ok look. SHUT UP.

girls: You can't, like, tell us to shut up.You're not allowed to.

NSN: Shut up, i didn't ask for your opinion!

girls: But-

NSN: SHUTUP.

HAHA i think its damn funny. wish i was there though. MY CALCULATOR IS MISSING. and i really dont like the year 2s, esp. kristina. she seems damn freaking annoying, like a plastic from Mean Girls.

I hope i can direct Ellipsis well. i forgot we were still being assessed and was half sleeping today cos i was so tired when tobinnn came along. Shytttt. which reminds me, i have accepted that i'm going to indonesia, still a little disappointed though. but i've accepted it more or less so i won't whine as much. ahhh i hate myself for getting that screwed up score, i wish i had a clearer of idea and i think it's partly NSN's fault for skipping so many damn sections of the story.

oh well if i get at least 54%, i'll be happy.

Here're my goals for this year.

Lit 54%
Maths 58%
Bio 64.5%
Chi 65%
Chem 67%
ARC 78%
Theatre 80%
IHSS 84%

I REALLY NEED TO GET THESE MARKSSSS!

Okay, til next time,

XOXO CLAR-WHOOPS! i meant,

, ryurn :)

{/DOG DOG DOG --

23.7.10 ( 12:15 AM )

the picture above looks really sweet to me. a dog in the warm embrace of a human owner/master and friend.

Sometimes i don't understand my parents, esp. my mom. she doesn't understand the very pain of going through life with people like viraj and my brother making it hell for me; i have to endure both when i'm at home AND when i'm at school. i think it sucks, and i thought maybe a dog would help ease the burden. my parents are strange. Do they not understand the mind of a teenager?! its like they have a fixed mentality that all teens can cope themselves and that they, as parents should just stand by and watch as their sweet angels grow up.

I need a dog. maybe more want than need but whatever.

It can help me cope with nicholas. like, being there for me whenever i come home and am in really no mood to tolerate nicholas' crap, or if i'm sick at viraj's anti-ryan actions.

I wish they could see it from my view. sure, i know, it'll be tough, but for a canine best friend, i really won't mind having one. i don't want to grow up having no support from home and havin to resort to school and church friends to help ease the discomfort i feel with my family, esp. my brother.

I really want a dog, a canine bestie.

Still hoping, wishing and wanting,

Ryan.

{/Brother --

27.6.10 ( 1:51 PM )

I know he'll never read this, and i'm perfectly fine with that. no one reads this blog, prolly. cos it's been dead so long. haha. so i guess its safe to express my feelings here with no fear of anyone reading it except me.

Dear Joel (Kam),

Hi dude. it's been 2 years since we met, and compared with other other people's friendships, 2 years is nothing. It might be short, but within this short time, i've come to know you (Through YD), and i really admire, and love you. You're a really nice guy, with a Christ-oriented heart, mind and soul, and that's one of the many cool things about you.

I've never seen you get angry, contrare, you're always neutral or grinning, and your grin makes the girls go crazy, haha:) i really hope you stay in Zion, 'cos you're one of my closest friends here, and i really regard you as my brother, like, really. Sometimes, i really covet your brother, cos he has such an amazing brother, and i don't. I don't have a brother who loves me, cares for me, or acts as a figure of respect in my life. that's the thing that i covet. a brother who i can love. I know God will say that it's wrong, and that my brother was placed in my life for a reason. But, Joel, mann, you're one of the 2 people in my life who i really really treat as my brother.

I'm sorry that i sometimes crack dumb jokes, or sick ones for that matter, but i hope that you come to understand, that i only do that with people who are really close to me.

And i'm a coward, i can't tell you this 'cos i'm afraid people will regard this as homosexual, and also 'cos i can't say it. so i'm typing this all down, and i pray that we grow in friendship, and that we walk closer to God as the years go by.

You're such a great person bro. See you around :)

In his love, Ryan.

{/Well, hello. --

( 1:46 PM )

hahahaha i haven't been on this since december 2009! wow

i'm just here, actually, to post crap about the hols.

A few good things:

1) Church camp was incredibly good:D

2) Had YF anniversary and CVP BBQ yesterday. wish i stayed longer for YF though.

3)Did filming for some friends. really tiring.

Bad things:

1) I didn't do all my homework.

2)I havet started rehearsing lit powerpoint.

3) I dont know maths. like, seriously.

This year sucks, and i can pretty much forget getting a scholarship. I created a tumblr actually, but i'm quite content with posting on this. Tumblr was prolly the unloading of my vulgar and disgusting inner thoughts , that i pray for God to forgive me.

I pray also, for my friends, who haven't learnt your word. but i guess, in due time, they will come to know you. i'm gonna post a second post after this, cos its important to me.

~Ryan

{/YF CAMP --

22.12.09 ( 9:40 PM )

Hahahahahaha i'm back! after like, 2 months of rotting. Sheeeeesh. well. one significant event this month= YF CAMP. It was awesurrrm. The theme was "Take Up" (the cross), and they talked about discipleship, the laws of the flesh vs the laws of the spirit; about how it is not us that is evil, but is sin that is making us do those crap. Well more or less, i'm not very good with words.

my group was "Coffee Bean". Still don't get how they formed the group names. I mean, i thought they would be linked to the theme and such. like yf camp 2008 was MY IDENTITY IN CHRIST, and about heroes, and their grp names were names of superheroes ad villains. this year? TAKE UP!! is somehow linked with Coffee Bean, Ki Mo Chi, starbucks and a gazillion other groups i've never heard of. haha. not being critical, just a little inquisitive ;) hahaha. made new friends:-

Carey
Tim
Shaun
Samantha
Nicklaus
Reuben
Brandon

haha, they were pretty nice :) i'm happy i went for yf camp. I wanna go for the next one next year. WOOHOO. hahaha.

P.s. I lost my shoe bag in church; dont care, I AM GONNA GET IT BACK. hound the office for the security cameras and everything. I'm NOT going to lose another item in this place mann.

Its a bit like the church is chasing me out. mann. sigh. i hope not. Well on a lighter note, Christmas is this friday! :D bought all necessary gifts today. got new shoes. Planning on doing some name-cards for Xmas haha.hope theyll like it. my dad just told me not to be so thrifty. i just bought some converse shoes with my birthday money. :( i dont geddit, its my bday money... so whats the big deal? ive heard of girls with over 40 pairs. Yeah thats right. thats 10 X 4. heh.

well. Greg is coming back to see some people. hoping to bump into him haha. We had an interesting Facebook email convo haha.

i'm gonna try and put up with my brother. i can't let what i've learnt in camp all go down the drain. have to restrain myself, not let anger blind me and fuel hasty decisions. Sometimes, its not easy having a brother with a disorder. sigh.

Well, i guess thats it for now. hope i can continue blogging, and letting this blog get older and older etc etc.

man, what a dumb ending to this entry. Heh. Bye!

{/Back. --

2.11.09 ( 3:40 PM )

Oh gosh i'm finally back. i dont even know why i'm back anyway. i was bored and i didn't feel like learning how to wash dishes from dad. want to go bird park with sarah and fayth. go wild wild wild wet with daniel and sam, and go to russ's house/have him come over for a sleepover. 'Cos, i gotta study to prepare for the new year; been slacking too much this year. need to buck up, cos year 3 gets really strenuous. Reading "Going Postal" by Terry Pratchett. Moms nagging at me to go read Times magazines and Readers Digests Mags. I'll post a random picture here.

Feels meaningful. Oh, i have a crush on someone. am hoping it will disappear soon . its getting too distracting.

"The shadow proves the sunlight."

~got it off Shammah's Facebook info page.

{/Kill --

5.9.09 ( 1:27 PM )

Hi. I know i haven't been blogging for a while now, so mayb-

Oh what the heck.

Got out ihss stuff back yesterday. I expected my group to pass, as in scrape pass. But we failed. Failed Miserably. I was actually shocked that we got such a crap score. 7. we got 7. upon 20. Yeah. And the thing is, every other group except Viraj's group were Astounded. We all wanted a retest; Peggy offered one. Then later on in the night, got a text from celeste saying no retake. What. The, HEck. I mean, our hopes were really high, cos this took up a huge portion of our grade. 20%. I was the only one in my group that passed the essay. i scraped it. 11/20. Celeste lost to me, surprisingly. Sam Beat me. wow. never expected that. 13/20. Not The Best but certainly better than 11. sigh. Peggy didn't even know about the percentage. She. didnt. know. Maybe her being a new teacher and all could be why, but still, she's a teacher. She kinda should have known. Sigh. Sometimes i feel sorry for her, cos i can feel she's trying to make us like her. But so far... Uh uh. Not really working. I'm fine with her now; but i feel she's got some issues she's gotta work out. and some stuff she has to know. Now.

Oh well. No use crying over spilt work.

I'm not that sad. Just a bit bothered. Ah well. guess we have to pull our act together for the final exam.

Bye.

{/Laws of School --

3.8.09 ( 9:59 PM )

1) Students are not allowed to take the lift unless given permission by teachers.

Ok. Seriously, who gives a crap about ths rule? oh look, scenario 1, just finished PE, omg i'm so tired... i have an idea, lets take the lift! No we can't cos we're not allowed to! You're right! i shall not take the lift as not taking it would dehydrate me and cause me to faint and roll down the stairs and let me learn a valuable lesson of life!

ok that was pretty dumb but still.

2) Teacher who just reads from worksheets and not teach the class what they really NEEd to learn.

please. i can do that too. the school can hire me too and pay me a few 5 thousand bucks for doing just that. please. if you're gonna read from a script, go join the theatre district.

3) Teacher who's just being a dick.

I only know of one teacher who's been a real dick, like, uses vulgarities and only thinks of wanting to go home and not stay in school. Getalife dude... he's also been late for one whole period... dumbbbbb.

Done.

{/Yes. --

31.7.09 ( 10:52 PM )

I spent a reasonable amount of time before deciding to write this post. Ok. It's about Church. I haven't gone in a month. cos. well, frankly, i don't feel the love anymore there when i go there. it's like i go there just for the sake of killing time, worshipping god and just zoning out cos i dont have ALOT of friends there. And i feel really pathetic worshipping with people whose lives wouldn't be different, whether i go there or not. I tried go tomorrow, but i realised i had a family reunion-BBQ and i cant go. Might as well go next week. I just realized i miss them quite a bit. And i don't think everybody misses me at all. Well, a couple. But that's it. I'm like, struggling between decisions to go or not. YF shouldn't be just about friends. But i think that's one of the factors that might enhance people regularly attending YF. That ain't working for me. I'll go next week and see if anything has changed.

I hope i'm not being self-centred.

Period.

{/Dreaming of War. --

4.7.09 ( 9:56 AM )

"You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you."

- Leon Trotsky (1879-1940)

Last night, i had this dream about War..

See, i was in this place, celebrating my birthday, and then suddenly, this creature swooped in and started incinerating buildings with flamethrowers and everything. I think it was a war-robot-phoneix. Then like, the army was sent in and then i saw bombs flying everywhere and exploding against the phoneix's force field. Then i was running to the shopping centre, Junction 8. Then BOOM! Another robot came out from the ground, the hands rotating, shooting missiles. Cannons came out from the back and started shooting. So we ran to the MRT, and we actually got safe there. And we had to stay there for hours. And i had to pee. Then suddenly, we had to become recruits for the army. So i went out and peed and went to get a snack at some shop. Then when i came back, the general had transformed into a monitor lizard, and we rushed to the battleplace. Kept hearing the phoneix screech. Then POOF. I woke up.

{/2nd July 2009 --

2.7.09 ( 8:52 PM )

"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street."

- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)"

Haiz.

I've been changing. Really. Not like, clothes or anything, just on the inside. i get angry and annoyed easily and whenever someone annoys me or does some stupid thing, i get real irritated and talk back to them sarcastically. This is bad, i know. but i can't help it. Like when my sister asks me to make her bed for her, i get real annoyed cos i'm doing my stuff and she doesn't want to do it. then my mom would come in and tell me stuff and i get angry and i might talk back lah. yes. well. i hope this thing wears off. "remedies" like counting to 10, or taking a deep breath wouldn't work anymore; i'll stay really annoyed until i've had my say or something. I guess i better change the topic.

Something funny today:

today during IHSS, in the lecture theatre, Enoch, as usual, wanted to sit alone. No wait, i meant with his "friends". (Drawings from his comics) So when the substitute teacher told fazira and zunnur and venetta to sit beside him, we all told him cannot, cos * "Mr Skeets" was there.

*Imaginary friend

Then he replied with a, "NO! Mr Skeets isn't here today; now it's just scarecrow and mad hatter! LOL We started laughing like mad. Then, we played along with him; like, we asked the chair, containing the seemingly invisible "Scarecrow" to leave, then we said "Thanks" and said "Bye!" to the door, where we thought scarecrow was. Then we laughed like crazy. And Enoch got mad.

As usual.

Ha. We're kinda mean. Haiz. Sad leh. Huh. Better do my BMA.

cheers.

{/ --

( 4:53 PM )

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work."

- Emile Zola (1840-1902)

Jeez. It's the 4th day of school, as of term 3. today was good; school ended early, for once. Just slacking now... but i've been feeling pretty guilty 'cos i haven't started studying yet. I'm not in study-mode yet, but i better start soon. And shite... got a theatre assignment coming up and i had no idea what Mr Sam said about it... it was kinda contradictory... say something now, then change later... Sheesh. gotta get it done by end of next week. Start this weekend, i guess. We're doing on Marie Antoi-whatever. the story's kinda interesting, but i'm sidetracking, cos i still don't get what we're supposed to be learning. haiz, wait till Mr Ng comes back, then ask him. WHICH REMINDS ME. STOOOOPID BMA. I thought everyone forgot about it.. now i have to do it. and i don't feel like. AAAArgh..

And we're doing dissecting tomorrow, during life science, i think. Some sheep's heart.

shishe... gonna reflect on what i'm gonna do about some of the stoopid crap of my life.

Haiz.

{/School. --

29.6.09 ( 8:37 PM )

"The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows."

- Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

School today was nice. Theatre wasn't as fun as i thought it would be. I mean, can we just get off this subject of friggin together together? ITS OVER, FINITO, NO MORE!!! Let's start on something new!! (We're gonna do a musical on "Oh, What a Wonderful War". It's quite interesting-hope my stuttering clears before the auditions mannn..

Today's ihss lesson was fine, but we had mr derek as our teacher. Didn't feel like looking at him much cos about the nightmare thing. i guess i'll get over it soon.. OH man... he knows about Amelia's and my BMA... Other than that, the lesson was good. Ha.. he's funny. He's got a set of rules that are kinda.. uh... hmm. Yeah, the word for it would be "hmm".

1. Don't piss people off.

2. If you wanna eat, tell him first.

3. CANOT DRAW ON INSIDE OF PAPER OR IF NOT YOU WILL NEED TO COPY IT OUT!!!

4. Don't use phone in class. Or not he will confiscate for 24 hours and read our smses. I better put a lock on all my files. no wait. i dunno how to. hmm.

5. Do BMA.

6. Hand up files on time or not

Wah. kinda strict. and not at the same time. hmm. i'll see how i do in class then.

That's all, i guess. hmm. I guess i'll go now and go read a book. C ya'll :)

{/29 June 2009. The last day of the 2009 June Holidays. --

28.6.09 ( 9:31 PM )

"I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them."

- Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

I'm ready for school now. :) Bring it on. :)

Just need to pack my bag, get my pencil case, file up some stuff..

{/27 June 2009 --

27.6.09 ( 10:09 PM )

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

- Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

I think i'll start posting random famous quotes from famous people on my posts, starting from today. Huh. So MJ just died. I guess it was sad but for some reason, i didn't really like him much. He kinda weirded me out. And i really want to watch transformers 2, but school's starting in 2 days and today is the last day i can sleep peacefully with put waking up at 6am. I can't believe June is ending so fast. IN term 3 , i really have to start working harder; no slacking or i'll end up retaining or being expelled. This is evidence that i'll strive to work harder. anyway. There's late night tea now with my family; bye. :)

{/ --

19.6.09 ( 10:47 PM )

I dunno why i;m even blogging now. Even as i'm typing this down, i'm thinking of how incredibly ridiculous this is... maybe its in the hopes that one day, my blog will be famous. :] Sweet.

Tomorrow is YF anniversary. :) Haven't gone for YF in 3 weeks already mannnnn. :p

Hmm.

What other stuff shall i blog about?

Oh yes.

I'M NOT COMPLETED WITH MY STOOPID HOMEWORK YET MAN. >:()

Argh, so mad with myself and with the maths department for making the last quiz so Friggin HARD!!! Better do some maths soon lah. School's in one week's time. Sigh. H1N1, please let us get an extra week of holiday. I need it badly.... (I'm not prepared to see the clock's hands on 6.00 in the morning.... ) Oh and chinese. Shite... Argh Crap.

Oh and i have a couple more weird dreams added to my collection. Let's see... hmm.. ah yes. This one was when i was in KL.

Dream 1) I had graduated from SOTA and University and worked in a theatre company that made plays for teens my age. And i was doing this performance that involved incorporating Sesame Street with physics. I remember dancing around with a puppet on my hand but i had no recollection of ever saying anything about physics. Well anyway. Woke up after that.

Dream 2) This one was more of a nightmare. G4, as in, the class, was back in SAJS, and we were in my P4 classroom, and Mr Derek was our teacher, and i was being this brat; standing up and talking to a lot of people and not listening... then he shouted at me and i got this huge shock... ok let's skip this part... getting a bit of the creeps... remembering that scene... well anyway... then i had to go to this prison to haul sacks here and there cos i didn't finish my homework in time.

Dream 3) russ and i were at SOTA going for this hike at ECP and for some reason, we had to go through SOTA. Looked up, saw Denise at 5th level. Then continued. and russ turned into Joel KAm unknowingly... and we cut through this hawker centre (!??!?) and stopped at a pavilion cos we were lost and it was already dark out. And then all he did was take out his homework to do instead of worrying... and i was panicking until i woke up. Yeah.

Oh, and about that nightmare thing; i posted that on FB as my status, and he commented on it, asking if that person was my FB friend. I was humming this tune, and it got cut off when i saw the notification that he had commented on it (thought he was psychic or something) so i had to lie and say nope. :( shouldn't lie.. but i was really surprised. ah well. i hope Cara won't see this. She'll probably tell him or something. Hmmph. Like last time, when i wrote that typo. >:(

Ah well. OK, should do maths soon. Adios! :)

P.s. Watching Drag me to hell tomorrow :) i think it's kinda scary. :)

{/Together Together --

1.6.09 ( 11:25 AM )

Wah... okay this will be one of the random times that i'll make an entry that will make sense.

PHEW! Together together ended yesterday, as a performance organized by Esplanade Flipside! We did that performance yesterday, and the 2 days before yesterday too, and it was really cool, cos we had our own dressing room with those booths that have those lights around it! :]

And the performances went really well too; well, that's just my opinion, but we, or i at least, kept sweating buckets, cos of the double-layered costume! SO HOT! haha, but it was pretty interesting... ;]...

But some crap also happened, which i won't go into details... but i seriously felt really strongly against and i think that the people who violated the others' sense of privacy ought to hit in the nuts... shishe...

A funny thing that happened was that Romit refused to change with us, as in in the guys' toilet and everything; he always wanted to use the cubicle or the handicapped toilet.. haha, aiyah.. just can't understand him sometimes...

But on the last day, we tried to trick him, Krish and I used both cubicles and someone else used the handicapped toilet.... but for some strange reason, Romit didn't appear ANYWHERE , but when we returned to the changing room, he was already there, CHANGED. yeah... we kinda suspect he used the girl's toilet, cos the girls didn't change there... (they changed in the dressing room itself).. sheesh...

Well, here are some photos anyway.. :] Cheers :]

{/Facebook --

24.5.09 ( 9:10 PM )

Exodus 20:2-7

The fourth commandment states that,

"You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth."

When you hear the word "idol", probably, instinctively, you might think about american idol or... some golden statue situated in some shrine or something...

However, an idol, i learnt, is something, like an object or possibly a person (american idol) that you spend more time focusing more on, other than God. And by doing so, we're actually disobeying God. We are sinful people, but i guess it's time to mature and start instilling in us a sense of self-control.

My "idol", i admit, is probably facebook. I actually go online to facebook for an hour or so, when i could be studying or spending my time wisely.

I guess we have to try to honor God, the one and only saviour who died for us; who left his perfect life in heaven to come down into this world to save us.

Praying in Jesus' most precious name,

Amen.

{/Ripped to pieces --

21.5.09 ( 7:42 PM )

Just how long more must i face this contempt; this feeling of being disliked? How long more must i be able to bear the burden?

The reason why most of them aren't going is because you were early.

abstract annoyance and surprise.

No matter what, nothing is gonna change the way it is. Make me believe otherwise.

sometimes i don't know why i go.

{/May 16. Crushed slightly. --

15.5.09 ( 11:58 PM )

Disheartened.